Issues for the Five Kage Council
by noctisxsol
Summary: A series of One-shots centered around the shenanigans that occur when the five kages are out of their element. So much crack... Rated T because of Jiraiya
1. Do you even Chakra?

**Issues for the Five Kage Council**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, and am not making money off of these stories.**

 **That said, the world these hypothetical train-wreaks of a story take place in is AU, varying from only slightly divergent to absurdly different and the same for the characters. IT'S MY STORY AND I'LL MAKE IT AS DIFFERENT FROM CANNON AS I WANT! These stories are unconnected humor one-shots. The only connection is that the Kage council is somehow involved, and mostly in competent in things other than battle. Levels of crack vary from almost repairable to shattered to sub-atomic particles, leaning toward the latter.**

 **Text key**

"speaking" _"thinking"_ **"Tailed beast speaking"** Jutsu in use -Scene info-

And with that, let the madness begin!

Issue 1; Bro, Do you Even Chakra?

-Konoha Hot Springs-

The five Kages along with their guards let out a collective sigh of relaxation as they sank into the warm waters after a hard day of pointless haggling to better their own country's part of the collective trade agreement they had been drawing up. The girls had fortified their side with all of the best traps and seals money could buy in an effort to be safe from the assumed perversions of the men. To reciprocate, the men took turns pitting their skills against the women's preparations. Good fun for all sides. Onoki took the lead, testing their aerial defenses, and was swatted back into the water by a lava hand courtesy of Mei. A and Bee went next, trying to break through the dividing wall with sheer strength, but were repulsed by the seals. Gaara tried and failed to grind a hole in the wall with his sand. Naruto was up last, with the brilliant idea to over-load the seals with his chakra. Unluckily enough for him, he succeeded. The wall exploded, one large chunk sending him to the far wall, revealing a group of fully clothed and very angry kunoichi led by the two female Kages. After a wacky chase scene and a good portion of punitive beatings, everyone had settled down in swimsuits to release the tension which had built up even further.

The only sound was contented sighs of relaxation until Mei noticed Naruto standing on the water trying to drag the unwilling Kazekage into the water. Everyone else was amused by the two friends in their tug of war, one standing on the water, the other floating above it on his sand. Mei, on the other hand, felt a question growing in her mind. "Just how much chakra does he have!?" Everyone in the no longer divided springs turned to her. "He overloaded a seal made to handle multiple Kages, ran away from a chasing mob of highly trained and angry kunoichi, and still has chakra to play tug-of war on water! Does he even have a limit to his chakra?"

Tsunade set down her bottle of sake to think. "From what I've seen, he has somewhere around double what my fully charged seal holds, maybe two and a half times. It's hard to tell when he has beings of chakra backing up his supply."

A grunted in disagreement. "That doesn't really tell us anything. Isn't there some sort of way to objectively measure how much chakra someone has? It would make reports on missing nin much more useful, would help in learning jutsu, and probably increase chakra control as well."

Tsunade sighed and motioned for an ANBU and motioned her to go to the Hokage Tower and gather some documents.

"Sarutobi-sensei wanted to try something like that in his first term, but the Third Great Ninja War broke out before he made any progress. Later he wanted to make a system based on the drain of the Sharingan in his second, but then the Uchiha Massacre happened. Reports indicate that one of the last projects he was working on was actually another attempt, this time based on the drain for basic jutsu. He died fighting Orochimaru before that was anywhere close to done. I never touched it. Seriously, that program has got to be cursed."

"But that sounds really cool, Why don't we work the pool?"

Almost everyone stared in confusion at the "rapping" jinchuriki before his brother gave an explanation. "He says we should do it while we're relaxing in the springs."

"Fine! But what thing do we want to base it on that we don't care about losing?"

Everyone looked at each other, minus Naruto, before reaching a unanimous decision. "Sharingan."

Naruto pouted and was about to object, but was silenced when Gaara offered him a bowl of ramen. Tsunade sighed in relief, and quickly took the documents from the ANBU before sending her to get thirty orders of Ichiraku Ramen delivered. She leafed through the notes quickly, her face slowly gaining a smile before her face turned ashen white at the last page and she slammed the file down on the rocks. After a second to regain her composure she spoke. "It looks like Jiraiya was working on the project as well. He pretty much finished the system, there are a few tweaks for writing it left, but hardly anything significant. The only problem is the name. He gave it the name Chakra Unit of Measurement."

Most of the group showed some manner of discomfort at the acronym. Naruto, on the other hand, had just finished his bowl and started to pay attention just in time to catch the name. "Why is everyone looking so weird after you said that name. It's a boring name, but nothing really bad."

"Brotha' , take the first lettah'; and you'll understand bettah'."

After a second of scrunching his face to decipher the Rhyme, Naruto let out a disgusted cry. "C-u-o-m? Wait, cuom (Koo-om)? The sake-cherry wine mix? That stuff tastes terrible, no wonder no one wants to name it that!"

Leaving the Uzumaki in his naïve misunderstanding the rest of the group began to conspire to make a better name.

"We don't have to throw out the man's work entirely. Why don't we just add standard to the beginning?"

"Standard Chakra Unit of Measurement? SCUM? Hardly better."

"How about Supply of Automatic Natural Defense?"

"Gaara, other people will use this name too. AND DON'T MAKE THE ACRONYM THE NAME OF YOUR VILLAGE!"

"Chakra Limit Of Useful Directions?"

"A, what did I just say?"

"Super Training Over Natural Energy!"

"That's not even a name! Fine, Life Energy Amount of Force."

"That actually sounds good. I was going to suggest Mystical Intense Super Task."

Naruto looked up from his meal to put in his own two cents. "Why don't we go with the Regenerating Amount of Mystical Energy for Ninja Skills. I realize TRAOMEFNS (Tr-Ow-me-fins) is kind of a mouthful, but it makes more sense than your other suggestions and is more comprehensive."

The Kages looked at each other in shock and dread. It was in fact better than anything they could come up with, and more neutral, but did they really want the unit of measurement to be called RAMENS?

Before any of them had time to formulate a response an explosion of smoke resounded throughout the springs area. A quick wind ninjutsu later a ninja with a question mark headband and a bandage on his nose was revealed coughing in the middle of the group. Once his throat was finally clear he stood to his full height and tried to look menacing. "Mwha ha ha. Tremble in terror kages, it is I, Kageyama the Boiler! You've all fallen into my ingenious trap! While you thought you were going to relax, really you were going to die. Mwha ha ha!"

The kages started at him in disbelief. Here was a kid, not even wearing a Chunin jacket, that thought he could take on all five kages as well as their guards. Mei was the first to break the silence, "Aren't you that kid that dropped out of the Mist ninja academy first year because he didn't think he needed to learn how to write his name?"

"You may look down on me, but Generic Filler Villains Inc. gave me a chance! Now feel the wrath of my lost Hot Springs Village jutsu, Jacuzzi no jutsu!" Jets of massaging bubbles streamed from the walls of the springs, causing everyone in the springs to sink into a relaxed lethargy. "Mwha ha ha! Now you will be too comfortable to escape, and will slowly be cooked alive by the hot water, and there will never be any way to objectively measure a person's chakra! No one will ever be able to realize how pitifully little chakra all the filler villains have, and most importantly, it will remain difficult to learn jutsu so that filler villains will remain the only ones with their stupid one-off powers!"

All of the assembled ninjas, which included Naruto and Gaara because of plot reasons, couldn't be bothered to do anything as they felt their body heat rise. They would have thought some dramatic thoughts about their incoming death, had they not been so relaxed.

All seemed lost when the tides turned. That is to say, Naruto finished his bowl of ramen and climbed out of the water to grab another. Once out of the water he began to actually think about what was happening. Deciding to be polite, Naruto took one of the covered containers and held it out to the generic ninja.

The forgettable missing-nin accepted the bowl with shaking hands, unknowingly releasing his jutsu. "This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. This makes me rethink my entire life of evil and loneliness and consider joining the good guys… actually, on second thought, I'm way too much of a red-shirt to make it. It'll be better for me to just try to kill you all still and die with dignity."

The now recovered kages seemed to grow to completely overshadow him. "You want to die with dignity, eh? Request denied!"

-Forty-Five Minutes Later-

The once proud… or at least arrogant ninja now lay dead at the bottom of a pile of kittens, having suffered the terrible death by cuteness overload. Tsunade closed the lids on his rainbow burnt eyes and turned to Naruto.  
"We'll let the chakra system be named RAMENS so long as you don't tell anyone about how we almost got taken out by such a punk."

-Epilogue-

Naruto sat on his golden throne as the first Ramen Emperor. Beside his majestic seat sat the honored Tailed-Beasts eating from bowls the size of baths. Ayame, the beautiful Ramen Empress, sat on the seat of the throne, enjoying her husband's skillful hands. All of his serving girls kneeled nearby, dressed in cooking aprons.

How did this result come about? That is a thing more fun to imagine than to know. But here's a hint; RAMENS.

This is uncut crack. No Beta, no research, no sense. Even if it isn't funny, I hope it's at least amusing, or at the very least distinct. Next Chapter; "Time Travel is Impossible, Right?"


	2. Time Travel is Impossible

**Issues for the Five Kage Council**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, and am not making money off of these stories.**

 **That said, the world these hypothetical train-wreaks of a story take place in is AU, varying from only slightly divergent to absurdly different and the same for the characters. IT'S MY STORY AND I'LL MAKE IT AS DIFFERENT FROM CANNON AS I WANT! These stories are unconnected humor one-shots. The only connection is that the Kage council is somehow involved, and mostly in competent in things other than battle. Levels of crack vary from almost repairable to shattered to sub-atomic particles, leaning toward the latter.**

 **Text key**

"speaking" _"thinking"_ **"Tailed beast speaking"** Jutsu in use -Scene info-

This takes place about a month after "The Last", so there are no children yet. What? Naruto didn't become Hokage till later? See above. Oh, and Neji's still alive, because reasons.

And with that, let the madness begin!

Issue 2; Time Travel is Impossible, Right?

-Konoha, Hokage Tower-

Naruto was in his office doing some "paperwork." That is to say, Shikamaru had locked him in his office to help him concentrate, and the lazy genius wasn't going to let him out until the sun had gone down. So, with his other work satisfactorily finished, Naruto took out what few notes were left from his father's _Flying Thunder God_ jutsu, which was most definitely not in an attempt to escape mind you. He was trying to be able to pull something marked to himself, so he decided to start with the most disposable thing possible. With a single hand sign, and a puff of smoke he went to work.

-Meanwhile, in What is Most Definitely an Alternate Dimension-

Final year academy student Naruto Uzumaki took a seat at his favorite restraint to get his pity ramen after failing the Genin exam for the second time. To be fair, he would have gotten ramen even if he had passed, but that would be celebration ramen, and it would be sweeter than pity ramen, which was salty. He laid out enough money for one, but had it waved away. A steaming bowl was placed in front of him by the closest thing he had to a sister, as the closest thing he had to a father sat down next to him and rubbed his back. He began to eat slowly, but speedup as the food cheered him. At ten second mark the noodles were gone and he had the bowl in the process of tipping to drink the broth when a flash of light suddenly took him away, much to the shock and despair of the Ichiraku family.

-Back in the Present, whenever that is-

Naruto appeared in the Hokage office sans stool with the bowl of ramen tilted to drink. Gravity took effect and the boy crashed to the ground and spilled his ramen all over the carefully written scroll. Hokage Naruto looked at his younger self and the ruined scroll and had one thought. _"I'm totally getting banished to the couch for this."_

Younger Naruto was sputtering from the scalding ramen broth coating his face and clothes. When he finally cleared his eyes he saw multiple copies of the same familiar face staring concernedly at him. "Oh my ramen, It's the fourth Hokage! I died and went to heaven!"

 _"Was I really this dumb as a child? How did I survive?"_ "Fortunately for both of us, no, you're still alive. You've been brought to the future by a jutsu that I messed up."

Little Naruto's eyes lit up. "The future! Do we have flying oxcarts and robot ninjas?"

"No flying ox-carts, but there was that one filler arc… Never Mind. But what we do have is you accomplishing your dreams and becoming Hokage! Hokage Extraordinaire, Naruto Uzumaki-Namikaze at your service!"

"Really? I'm going to take over for the Old man and become the fifth Hokage?"

Naruto winced a little at that. "Well… Not the fifth. The Old man died saving the village from an attack from one of his students during our first Chunin exam. Another one of his students becomes the Fifth Hokage, after we knock some sense into her though."

"So you're the sixth then?"

"Heh heh, no. Our genin teacher became the sixth after he kinda sorta helped save the world from an evil goddess who was summoned by Madara, who was a friend of the first but went crazy because he didn't become Hokage and was killed by the First Hokage, except not, but he was still dead, but was brought back to life by Obito Uchiha, our teacher's team-mate who everyone thought was dead, but was actually evil and pretending to be that Uchiha and he had a Rinnegan eye from Pain, who was really one of Jiraiya's, he's going to be one of our teachers later, other students, and he took the Nine-Tails from us and…" at this point he finally noticed that Naruto's eyes were spinning from all of the interlocking information. Remembering how slow he was back then he realized that none of it was making sense. "It was really complicated all around. I'd better start at the beginning."

He dismissed his clones and picked up the ramen bowl from the floor. He then took out a group of dolls and other knick-knacks that he kept in his desk for whenever Kurenai stopped by with her daughter Mirai. "This bowl is us. Now when we were born, our dad, the Fourth Hokage, put the Nine-Tailed Fox in us so it wouldn't hurt anyone." He plopped a chibi Kurama plushy (which was becoming really popular with new mothers after he saved the world from Toneri) into the ramen bowl, keeping one eye on his younger self's reactions and making moves to put off any questions until later. "Unfortunately the villagers were stupid. They thought that that we were the plushy when we were still the bowl, and the Old Man didn't let anyone know who our parents were. But we were better than their hatred and stayed strong and decided to become Hokage. When we entered the academy we were introduced to our future teammates…

-Ten Episodes of Flashbacks and Lots of Illustrations Later-

"I think I get it! So the broken alarm clock hit the marble which allowed the bowl and the rubber duck to use the power from the novelty coin to seal the marble in a bag in a sealing scroll!" Scattered throughout the floor of the office were hundreds of representative pieces of random stuff.

A knock gave Naruto enough time to hide himself under his large robe before the door opened to reveal a yawning Shikamaru. "Alright Naruto, You're free to go."

"Thanks Shikamaru, I accidentally spilled some paperwork so I'll just clean that up and be on my way, it won't take long so just go home to Temari and make sure to take care of her stress. She's been complaining to Hinata about how lazy you are, and that means you're going to wake up strapped to the bed two days from now if you don't do anything."

"Lord Hokage, with all due respect, I'd believe you more if you weren't obviously trying to hide a small someone under your cloak. But it's too troublesome to do anything, so I'll take your advice. Just be sure that Hinata is in a good mood when you reveal whatever went wrong here."

The lazy shinobi left and Naruto released his grip on Naruto's mouth, leaving the boy gasping. "That Pineapple is either too smart for how lazy he is or too lazy for how smart he is. He's right. I'll tell her tonight after I've… cleaned out all of her stress." Something about his older self's grin made Naruto want to punish a white-haired author. "You ruined the scroll I used to summon you, so finding the error that brought you instead of my clone will take considerable time, so you'll be staying with me tonight and I'll call the other Kages tomorrow."

-Next Morning-

Naruto woke up to the feeling of a crushing hug. "You were so cute at this age! We don't have any pictures so… Oh, I know! We need to take a bunch of pictures so we can remember the good times of your childhood together!"

Little Naruto opened his eyes to see a violet haired woman squeezing him and the Hokage. His other self wore a comical pout on a sticky looking face. "Hinata, that's not fair! How can I compete against my own cuteness?"

Hinata laughed and drew him into a kiss. "I admired the boy you were, but I love the man you are." One of her hands trailed down to her husband's waist. "Plus, your growth spurt helped turn you from cute to sexy."

Naruto had to try to decide how he felt about the scene in front of him. On one hand, his older self was just about making out with his future wife; that was as close as he would get to seeing him parents kissing. On the other hand, that would be him making out with his loving wife in the future, which is a cause for hope at least.

The child was spared from any further embarrassment by the appearance of an ANBU ninja with a sealed message. The Hokage accepted it grimly and read it. Before he was halfway through he burst out laughing. "That lazy Nara… He's too smart for how lazy he is." He crumpled the piece of paper and turned to his wife. "Shikamaru isn't going to be able to come to work for a few days because of, finger-quotes, family issues so he went ahead and sent out summons to the other Kages. They'll be here in a week to figure out the situation with our extra-dimensional guest. In the meantime, I'll show mini-me around and tell you about what's going to happen."

"Honey, are you sure that's safe to do? You don't know what could go wrong if we tell him about the future, Orochimaru could decide to kill you, or Danzo could kidnap him."

"C'mon Hinata, it'll be fine! If time-travel that affected reality were possible, why wouldn't have Kaguya or Madara or Obito just have gone back in time to achieve their objective rather than their freaky Moon's Eye Plan? There were plenty of Time-space ninjutsu users throughout history, and yet none of them left anything to suggest that time-travel is possible. And look! There haven't been any changes from pulling myself forward in time so there shouldn't be any changes from sending him back. It should just take a month or so to figure out what mistake I made with the _Flying Thunder God Summon_ , then I can send him on his way to a better life in his alternate Universe than I had." His hand grasped his wife's and rubbed her wedding ring. "I just need to be sure to teach him how to tell that a girl likes him and he'll be able to get with his Universe's Most Beautiful Kunoichi without a villain threatening them."

"You flatterer. Alright, so long as you make sure that incident before graduation doesn't happen again."

-Ichiraku Ramen-

"…and then we defeated the Make-out Paradise movie through the power of Love and lived happily ever after."

Little Naruto was listening to tales of his exploits with shining eyes. "Love is awesome, Believe It! It beat the plushy, the movie, and helped defeat the Six Bottles of Pain! I wish I had more of it…"

After giving his younger self a flick and a pointed glare to remind him of their agreement to not use that phrase, Naruto prepared to drop some deep wisdom. "Love is the greatest thing in the world, but what I've learned with Hinata is that what matters most is not how much love you receive, but how much you give." He winced, reliving some painful memories before quickly adding, "Though, you do need to be sure that you aren't in an abusive relationship. I can be hard to tell abuse from a girl being a tsundere, but as the apprentice of the great Jiraiya, I've picked up a few tips. A tsundere will get embarrassed, then hit you, a violent girl will hit you then get embarrassed. Also, when a girl turns red it can either mean she's blushing or getting very angry. If her eyes are closed or she's shaking, she's probably mad. If after she hits you she runs away, chances are that she's a tsundere.

Little Naruto looked just about ready to fall asleep in his fifth bowl of ramen. The Hokage chuckled and rubbed his head. "Just work as hard as you can and you'll catch the eye of a beautiful princess. Keep your eyes open and don't turn down a chance at love just because it doesn't come from the girl you expect. But that's enough talk for breakfast, you need to get in better shape. We'll start light with a ten Kilometer run. Hop to it! You'll need to do a hundred push-ups, sit-ups and squats once you get there, so don't get lazy!"

-Multiple Hours Later-

Naruto looked down with approval at the gasping boneless heap that was his younger self. "Good, good. This will be your regular workout so you should get used to it quickly. Now then, Ayame should be getting here soon with lunch, and we'll start teaching you the most useful jutsu I ever learned. It has uses to everything from training to battle to cooking and even the bedroom." Realizing that he was speaking to himself at pre-genin age, Naruto quickly backtracked to prevent himself from becoming a Jiraiya level pervert. "The Shadow Clone Jutsu makes a solid copy of you whose memories you gain when it is destroyed. It takes a boatload of chakra, but thanks to a carb rich diet we both have chakra to send clones in order to make the bed after a night of… um, tossing and turning." He congratulated himself for the nice save. "Just don't try to use them for paperwork, advisors seem to look down on that for some reason. Now eat up, you'll need to finish off ten large bowls to have enough energy to practice this!"

-A Week Later, Hospital-

Little Naruto and Konohamaru glared at each other from across the aisle separating their beds. Both boys were wrapped up like mummies courtesy of Mirai's first aid enthusiasm, and the Hokage's willingness to leave them in that state. Neither boy was certain if it was because the little girl was so cute when she presented them as "awl bedder", or if the sight of the bound boys was just too funny.

"You boys remind me of the way Sasuke and Naruto used to fight. The hospital seems so boring without the two of them winding up here from one of their spars." Sakura Uchiha had been assigned to assess the boys, and took the opportunity of a captive and gagged audience to vent. "I wonder if Sasuke even knows what Naruto has done. What is that Uchiha doing? He has a loving wife waiting for him at home, and he never comes back! A girl has needs you know! It's not fair seeing Hinata with that glow and that limp! Your wife needs you, Sasuke! Why won't you come back? Is it because I wanted a daughter? She'll be a good girl, I swear, probably take after me! Is it because I almost suffocated you the one time you gave in and took care of my needs? That's only fair considering you always try to make me choke! I even healed your bruises every time! What more was I supposed to do?"

"You could have had Naruto, you know; if you hadn't been blind." Hinata walked into the room with a sniffling Mirai holding her hand. "You chose the man who left you, betrayed his home, and quite obviously didn't consider you an equal while rejecting the boy who would do anything for you. And you think you have a right to complain. Anyway, my niece just wanted to hear from you that her uncles would be fine."

"Yes, yes. My jutsu indicate that the worst Kono has is bruising. Naruto had a broken nose, but the bleeding has already stopped. He's clear for training tomorrow, but he should get screened for any developmental abnormalities. After all, he didn't have the best life, and this sudden increase in training could have side effects."

Hinata gave a nice smile. "That's good, I'll leave little Naruto in your care for the night. But could I also ask a favor? Do you have any old nurse uniforms I could borrow? Our first anniversary is coming up, and I wanted to do something special for Naruto since he's been extra affectionate with flowers and breakfast in bed all month. Not to mention that skillful tongue of his…"

"I'll bring it over! You don't have to rub it in, _Mrs. Uzumaki_. Just…" remembering the audience to the conversation Sakura leaned over and whispered into the other woman's ear. "Get me a copy of Naruto's latest Make-out Paradise sequel. I finished the last one and I'm getting frustrated."

Hinata gave a nod and a smile and left with her niece and husband's apprentice, once the boy had been released from his bandages. Meanwhile Sakura was concocting a plan to help herself escape her mistake.

-Next Day-

The sound of a door banging open broke the morning stillness. "Good Morning, Sakur-ah!" A very tired and unkempt Sakura Uchiha had fallen asleep against the door and had fallen onto the Uzumaki when he energetically answered his door. "Sakura? Sakura! Wake up! Don't die, I'll miss you! The Hospital needs you! Sasuke would be sad, even if he wouldn't show it!"

"Rrmg, sleepy… five more minutes, honey. The kids don't need to be at the academy 'til nine…"

"Sakura, Wake up! Sasuke isn't here and you don't have any kids!"

"zzheh, you're so energetic Naruto. Another daughter… mmm, use your tongue foxy boy."

Naruto blushed at his friend's sleep talk as his wife came down in a bathrobe. "Naruto, who's at the… oh, good morning Sakura. Didn't sleep well last night? I'll add another plate for you." Sakura snuggled deeper into her former teammate's chest as his level of panic continued to escalate. Five minutes later Hinata returned with two plates of food and a cup of coffee. She tapped a pressure point on the other girl's shoulder to wake her, and set the plates on the floor. "What brings to our door this morning, Sakura?"

The medic gabbed the plate, without moving from the Hokage's chest. After taking a dose of caffeine, Sakura finally answered, "Naruto needs to sign himself out of the hospital, and I need to know if he'll be able to send himself back to when he was pulled from."

"Yeah, of course I'll be able to send him back! It will only take a few more weeks to get everything ironed out, then I'll send myself back to when I came from! Now, could you please get up?"

"Perfect! Then my letter idea should work… I mean, I don't need to worry about a time paradox ruining my life."

"Come on Sakura, you're smart, you should know that Time travel is impossible! There's nothing that can go wrong! But I'd better go get myself, the other kage should start arriving soon."

As Naruto and Sakura took off, Hinata felt a chill go down her spine. _"I have a bad feeling about this. I should probably take steps to make sure the other Hinata can get her Naruto."_

-Meeting Room-

The Narutos walked into the designated meeting room, the elder pointing out important people to his younger counterpart. "The one with the dark circles under his eyes is Gaara, he'll be one of your best friends and is the container of Shukaku, the one marked sake bottle."

"Little Coon!" Young Naruto held out his arms for a hug as he gave his enthused greeting.

Gaara's eye twitched and he glared at the sheepish Hokage. "You told him about that incident, didn't you. You swore silence."

"I didn't tell anyone else, only myself." Sand began to swirl threateningly. "He needed to know that he'd have good friends!"

"I'm not in the mood for your bickering! Get on with the meeting! If this takes longer than fifteen minutes Shikamaru will fall asleep, and I just got him up!" Gaara let his sand drop as his shook his head.

"This is my sister Temari. She married Shikamaru "Lazy Bones" Nara. I wanted to set her up with you, Naruto, but there was never a good chance and by the time there was peace Hinata had already staked her claim."

"Hey, we're still brothers through our burdens, and Temari is happy with her husband, so it all worked out for the best."

"Happy? No. Surviving? Yes. That lazy bum doesn't do anything once he comes home except for play games. And worst of all, the only things he does in bed is sleep and stare out the windows. I have to drug him to get any action, which you interrupted."

"…He's too lazy for how smart he is. Moving on, we have Mei Terumi from Mist. She can be scary sometimes, but she's nice."

"Oh, if I was a bit younger, I'd have shown you just how nice I can be."

"Exactly as I was saying. From Cloud are A and his brother Bee. Bee holds the eight bulged octopus ball."

"Wow! You guys are so cool! If I work out, will I get muscles like that too?"

"Only if you use steroids/ will you get these deltoids."

"Bee likes to rap, don't mind his antics. It's nice to see how you were when you were younger, Naruto. You were a lot more annoying than I would have guessed."

Both Narutos rubbed the back of their heads in embarrassment. "I'm working on that, teaching him meditation and manners, and all those things no one ever thought to teach me. Hinata has been very patient with both of us. I'm a lucky man."

Temari cut in with a grumpy tone. "Hinata is the lucky woman, considering those stories she has every kunoichis' night."

"Now isn't the time sis."

After a moment of awkward silence Naruto spoke again. "And finally, we have Onoki and his granddaughter, Kurotsuchi. There's a bit of bad blood since our father killed hundreds of their shinobi when he invented his signature jutsu."

"It was thousands, boy, don't make light of his crime. Our village still hasn't recovered."

"You were trying to invade and destroy his home! What did you expect him to do?"

"Bah, those troops were defensive."

"Grandfather, that battle was miles in Leaf village territory. Even I realize that excuse is absurd."

"…I maintain my position."

"…Anyway, the reason I've called you all here is to decide the care of my younger self until I finish creating the seal to send him back to his proper time."

"Should we send him back?/ the timeline might crack!"

"My brother's rhyming aside, are you sure it's even a good idea to let him know so much he's not supposed to know yet?"

"How many people do I have to tell? Time travel is self-evidently impossible! I'm just trying to make his life in an alternate dimension easier. Nothing that he changes when he gets back will change our reality."

"Don't play coy, I know this is all a ploy to ensure the Leaf's domination over every other village!"

"Onoki, I have the power and willing cooperation of all nine tailed beasts, and am a month away from unlocking the power of the Flying Thunder God more than my father ever had; why would I need a scheme to dominate you?"

"…The Hidden Stone Village will graciously offer lodging protection and training until he may be sent back to his own time."

"The Sand Village will take him in; I could never turn away my friend."

"The Hidden Cloud/ Will join the Crowd. The kid will train/ and link his brain."

"There's no way I could turn away such a cute boy. Mist will do the same."

Naruto looked around in surprise. "You know, I was expecting a longer debate about what to teach him and what village would host him, but this is fine. One week each village to leave a good impression for when he returns to his time to help make peace in his time, and you can send whatever scrolls or gifts along with him when he leaves. Only rules are no marriage contracts can be sent back with him, and send him to the next village after seven days with an escort. I'll be working on some tests to figure out what went wrong. It shouldn't take much longer than a month, and since time travel is patently impossible, there's nothing that can go wrong."

-Hidden Stone Village-

Naruto walked through the streets of the foreign village gathering many curious glances and causing many people to point or murmur. The boy wasn't fazed, having long since grown used to such treatment. The Tsuchikage, on the other hand, had his mind racing, trying to figure out what to teach the son of the Fourth Hokage. He couldn't bring himself to teach the boy anything powerful, but he had to teach him something to make a good impression to prevent the boy from finishing the job his father started. When they reached the training ground he came upon what he felt was the perfect idea. "We'll start your elemental training in Earth the classic way: understanding the body through massage!"

-Konoha, Hokage Tower-

Naruto and his clones sat around the smudged scroll trying to decipher what went wrong. "So we have the seal for the _flying Thunder God_ included in the seal on our stomach, so that would explain how we picked up myself but… wait, I think there was a smudge in the time part of the equation from when we sneezed! So If we just make another scroll, replace the summon with send, and specify the destination and time, we should be able to send him back! Wow, that took a lot less time than I thought it would. Anyway, we just need to find the closest seal and the right time, and we'll be good! Wait, does this count as talking to myself? Whatever, I'll just put in random numbers for time and start with the first seal. We should be able to figure out exactly when and where we need to go pretty quickly!" A crowd of clones went straight to work, and the specified scroll was quickly produced. All but one were dismissed, and that one was soon sent on his way."

-Alternate Universe-

The clone's first sight of the alternate dimension was a pair of bright blue eyes framed by long blonde hair. "Wow, you really need a haircut boss!"

The other blonde shinobi jumped back in surprise and readied a swirling ball of blue energy. "Where did you come from? Why do you look kind of like me? Did I mess up the seal again?"

Looking again at the startled shinobi the clone quickly realized his mistake. "Sorry, I'm a shadow clone of your son sent to test a time-space jutsu that jumps through dimensions and most definitely doesn't travel through time. I'd tell you his name, but you'd only make fun of it if Jiraiya hasn't written his book yet. What are you getting ready for?"

"Wait, you not only replicated the jutsu I just finished, but you made it do time travel too? And you're blonde? Jiraiya owes me ten ryo! I knew my son would take after me more than Kushina! Oh, right, I kind of have an army of Stone Shinobi who are invading my home to kill everyone. Can we talk later?"

"ooh, can I give the dramatic "step down or die" speech? I've never really had the opportunity to give one of those. Ooh, and you can threaten their kage while I distract them, that would leave an even better message!"

"This is going to be some really good bonding, I can tell."

-Stone Village-

Onoki lay face down in a massage chair, receiving pure relaxation courtesy of his time traveling trainee. "You know, your father sure was one heck of an impressive whippersnapper. I remember when he earned his title of Yellow Flash. He stood on a cliff in front of my force of over a hundred thousand men and had the guts to demand that we cease hostilities and enter an alliance with the Leaf, or the entire force would die. We all laughed at the time, and I thought I incinerated the whelp. But it turns out that it was all a ploy and he had maneuvered himself behind me and placed exploding tags on half my shinobi within seconds. Any other time I would have fought to the last man, but that speech along with his display of power completely broke my hostility. These years of alliance with the Leaf have been the best in my life. I can't imagine what would have happened without that speech; I probably would have lost all those men and hated the Namikaze name. Man, that would have been terrible, living all these years in bitterness. I barely believed he was dead, I kept expecting him to pop up and help his village whenever it was attacked. But enough of an old man's rambling, you still have so much to learn. Kurotsuchi, why don't you give him that scroll of jutsu from the Hot Springs village, then start him on the _foxhole jutsu?_ "

"Sure! Anything for the son of the Fourth Hokage."

-One week Later, Road to Mist Village-

The trip had been thankfully largely uneventful. The entire entourage believed Naruto when he said time travel was impossible, but they didn't want to get hurt because some maniac thought he could change the past by killing the young time traveler. Since they were tempting fate by hoping that, fate decided to be a jerk, and had a wild Sasuke Uchiha appear in their path. The Uchiha quickly pieced everything together with the previously unknown ability of the Sharingan to detect and identify time travelers. He passed through the Stone ninja guards as if they weren't even there and prepared to give his villain speech before killing the boy to change the past and create Uchiha dominance.

-Konoha, Hokage Tower-

"Okay, so the first twenty-five seals are all the kunai that dad used in his first battle, and twenty six was his vacation home in the Land of Earth. He probably had a couple different vacation spots, so I'll skip to… let's try thirty-five. Still no idea how time works, so I'll just put something random. Time-Space: Dimension Hopping, Not Time-travel jutsu!"

-Alternate Dimension-

Fugaku Uchiha stood looking out of the window of his bedroom as his wife finished changing into her night clothes behind him. "Mikoto, Itachi holds the trust of the Hokage, and stands a possibility of becoming one of Minato's personal guards. However, he seems disconnected, pacifist." He turned to his wife, who had finished changing and was standing beside him. "He needs someone to connect him closer to the clan. He has shown no interest in any of the Uchiha women, so we must give him a younger sibling. Undress."

It was at that moment that the clone appeared out of an innocuous ink painting. "Okay, I'm in a building and… My eyes, they burn!" The clone quickly turned around began apologizing. "I'm sorry, I still haven't gotten the hang of navigating these seals over long distances." The clone rubbed the back of its head embarrassedly. "I'll be going now, don't mind me." The clone made a hand seal to dispel itself before a thought popped into its head. "Oh yes, things will turn out very badly if you try to rebel against Konoha, so don't do that. Okay? Bye!"

The two Uchiha stared at the painting in shocked silence. Fugaku was the first to speak. "did… did Minato just come through the painting he gave us for our anniversary life it was nothing?"

"I… think he did."

"You realize what this means right? We need to sell that painting and make sure our second child can marry whatever child the Hokage has. In the morning we're setting out to find Tsunade and make her teach us how to control the gender of a baby. Then we're going to illogically rebel anyway, despite that very logical warning and having no real reason. You know, for fun."

-Reality, Road to Mist Village-

"Narutooo." The Uchiha let out a sing-song voice filled with giddiness. It was certainly a break from her normal cool attitude, but she couldn't help herself. Here was an opportunity to right the wrongs of the past and make sure that Naruto would get with the only girl worthy of him, and they would restore the Uchiha clan together. All she had to do was begin the seduction here, and leave her younger self tips to finish the job. The second part would be easy, since Naruto was so eager to help his friends and would deliver the letter if she asked him to. The first part, on the other hand, was the fun part. "I've got some presents for you, but my robes don't have pockets so I have them specially hidden." She opened her robe with one hand, careful to make sure that none of the escorts saw anything, and used her other to 'fluff' her bound chest. "Go ahead and unwrap them."

He almost tried to run, almost. But then he noticed the looks of abject horror on the faces of his guards and decided to not do anything that might anger the crazy lady. With shaking hands he groped around for the end of the bandage and began unwinding, doing his best to keep his face and eyes away from the woman's cleavage. A giggle broke his willpower and he looked- at her face! Only at her face!- to see that she was leaning forward as if to kiss him. Naruto fell back trying to get away and ended up tearing away the bandages revealing both the Uchiha's bra, and two scrolls which fell into his lap.

"I picked out some clothes for you, and some weapons you might like, and put in some Tomato flavored ramen that I made. But the second scroll is an errand that needs to be done, and I couldn't be so mean to my best friend as to ask him to run such a simple little errand." While she was speaking, she was also doing her best to try to grab him and shove his face into her chest.

"I'll do it! I'll do anything to help a friend! But we have to get to the Mist Village today yet, and don't have time to waste, so can I please go?"

Satisfied that her plan was well on its way, Satsuki Uchiha let her little man go on his way, after discreetly giving him a hickey on his neck.

-Konoha, Day Later-

"Okay, if dad was giving away his seals as a part of presents, then clearly I've gone too late. How about …thirty sounds good. Do a higher number for time, and let's see what craziness will happen to that other universe."

-Alternate- Know What, you All Know it's the Past-

The Naruto clone appeared in the bedroom of a small, well-kept house with a marked calendar hung on the wall. The clone glanced at it to get his bearing, before doing a double take. "This date… it's before the Third Ninja War! That's before my dad made the 'Flying Thunder God' seal. Wait… does that mean that this was made by the Second Hokage? If that's the case then there are probably hidden secrets with a cheesy code like 'Will of Fire.'" As proof of his maxed out luck score, a secret door opened to a hidden storage room. Naruto rifled through the priceless artifacts and scrolls filled with devious jutsu in search for something useful. "Let's see: junk, junk, war plan, half-finished jutsu. Sweet! A Ramen recipe!" As he was celebrating his find, a scroll fell from the top rack, hit his head and fell into his hand. "Oh, it's a report on how to save a jinchuriki who's had his Tailed Beast removed, that's cool."

Voices of a man and a woman floated through the house. The Future Kage ambled to the front door to find a couple still wet from swimming coming toward the house. The two ninjas stopped and quickly fell into combat poses at the sight of the interloper.

"Hey is the date on the calendar in there accurate, cause if it is, you might want to get to a bigger village. The Third Great Ninja war is going to be starting within a few years. Oh, and if you're Uzumaki, could you warn the Whirlpool Village that it's in danger? And could you deliver these scrolls to Konoha? And could you be really sure that the Ramen recipe doesn't get lost? Thanks."

As the clone puffed away the man looked at his red-haired girlfriend. "We're waiting a few years for children, aren't we?"

"Yes, Terumi, yes we are."

-Mist Village-

"Alright Naruto, I'm going to teach you a fundamental technique for higher level ninja skills; enhancing your body with chakra. So your training will consist of using your chakra to strengthen your body to hold your breath for five minutes. We'll begin… NOW!" The flirty woman stretched her legs out of the water of the hot spring where they were training to drag the boy under the water. The woman gave a smile and a blush as Ao popped in to ask for her signature on some paperwork.

"Ma'am, I need you signature on this bill. It was under the proper page."

The Mizukage's eyes became lit with hellfire as the hordes of hell prepared to feast on the unlucky soul which had offended their mistress, her smile never faltering. "Excuse me, did you just say that I'm below the proper age?"

"No, my Lady! You're barely past twenty, and many women are already married at your age…"

"Shut up or I'll kill you."

The woman's distraction caused her grip with her legs to falter, allowing the boy the resurface gasping for air. Ao quickly bowed and closed the door behind him, muttering about girls growing up too fast. Meanwhile Mei decided to take pity on the boy and give him a different, squishier place to be suffocated in.

-Clone sent ten days later; Past, Konoha-

"Oh, it looks like I'm in cloud, wait, what are you do-Rasengan!" Looking down at the freshly made corpse of the Cloud Shinobi tickled some flashback memories in Naruto's mind but he waved them off and instead decided to attend to the unconscious Hyuuga girl that the ninja was carrying. The girl seemed to be stirring, se he turned his attention to trying to figure out where and when he was. His cursory examinations revealed high walls and well-kept gardens marked with a weird flame-ball seal thing. "Okay, I'm in the Hyuuga compound where there is now a dead Cloud Shinobi lying at my feet. Shit, this is going to put a stick in Neji's ass again, isn't it. Okay, don't panic, I'll just hold the dead body until someone can verify that I killed him and not a Hyuuga."

"Halt Intruder! State your name and your business and… was that a Cloud Shinobi?"

"Yeah, I kind of killed him, sorry 'bout that. I kind of expected the 'Rasengan' to be a bit less messy. Normally it the damage is more internal, but I guess when you use it on a person's face, their brain and back of skull explode. Well, the more you know. Anyway, I you can tell them Naruto Uzumaki… I mean the spirit of the Fourth Hokage back from the grave to protect his village killed the guy. Maybe that will keep Neji from growing his wooden suppository. Oh yeah, and I guess I saved Hinata too, so that's cool. Bye Bye."

"I am neither blind, nor deaf, nor stupid.. That was obviously Jiraiya pretending to be a disguised Naruto, pretending to be the Fourth Hokage, and wow is there a family resemblance there." At about that time the Hokage finally arrived, having received a report that there was hubbub in the Hyuuga compound. "Lord Hokage, I am totally going to set up my daughter with that Uzumaki boy. Oh, yeah. The spirit of the Fourth Hokage killed this ninja, and it lives in Naruto. I'm sure that the Cloud would not be so blind to think that the gentle fist caused this, and their pride won't let them admit that their best agent was killed by a six year old boy. Fortunately Kakashi is away on a mission, or the blame might fall on him."

"That is fortunate. I'll send the letter and see what sort of weird effect the exposure to Naruto will have on the Cloud diplomats."

-Present, Cloud Village-

As Naruto walked through the village he was ever so slightly unnerved by the amount of people that got down on their knees and bowed to him as he passed. _"Wow ,my older self must have done a lot of good for these people to be getting this sort of reception from them."_

The girl that had been assigned to guide him, a blonde that hadn't asked to have his children, noted his amazement. "They believe that your father was a god and that his spirit dwells in you. I'm not silly like them, though. I know that you're a god in your own right."

The Raikage interrupted before the conversation went to strange places. "Samui, why don't you show our honored guest to the Falls of Truth. Perhaps after that, if he advances rapidly enough, you can move on to teaching him direct stimulation of the nerves and other lightning jutsu."

"Yes Sir!"

-Clone sent ten days later; Past, Sand Village-

"Are the final preparations finished Orochimaru? I don't trust this plan of yours, but attacking Konoha is the only way to save my village and I'll take it, but you had better be damn sure you can fulfill your end of the bargain!"

"Don't worry Kazekage, you won't be able to complain about any failures on my part once the invasion starts at next year's exams. In fact, you won't be able to complain at all! Ninja art: Summoning Manda!"

As the Kazekage prepared for battle, he was distracted by the appearance of a cloaked Blonde.

"Now where- Oh shit, Orochimaru! Rasengan! Double Rasengan!  RasenShuriken! Super Tailed Beast RasenSuriken Barrage!" Both the Kazekage and the summoned snake stared in combined amazement and fear as the attacks piled on, leaving an enormous crater and one very, extremely, excessively dead body.

"Yessss, well, I think I'm going home ssssince my sssumoner isss dead."

Naruto turned to stare down the Snake boss. "Orochimaru is really dead? That wasn't just a mud clone, or a body double or anything? Well, that's going to make this universe boring for the first half of the series."

A young blonde girl came rushing toward the two men, shouting and waving a letter. Both Manda and the clone dispelled to avoid complications. "Lord Kazekage, Don't Trust Orochimaru he's… going… to… Where's Orochimaru?"

"He's dead. A blonde with whisker marks from Konoha helped me take him out. The element of surprise is indeed powerful. I believe that if we are able to find that boy again, he should be able to help our village."

The girl blushed and mumbled something. "What was that Temari?"

"I said, his name is Naruto and it might be best if you set up a contract for me to marry him."

-Reality, Sand Village-

"Naruto, my friend, it's good to see that you're surviving the heat. How has your training been?"

"I've become super strong! I'm going to be the strongest Hokage ever, Little Coon!"

The Kazekage's eye twitched but he was stopped from committing homicide by the timely arrival of his sister. "Relax Gaara, he only wants to be your friend. I personally find his nicknames cute."

"Really? You think they're cute, Pretty Ponytail Princess?"

"Definitely. Now, Why don't I start on teaching you the wind element the way the Sand village does it, tearing cloth with your chakra."

-One Week Later, Konoha-

It was girls' day out in Konoha and Sakura was sitting with Ino, Tenten, and Anko in a booth at the barbeque shop. They were expecting at least one more, and had already started drinking to prepare themselves. Ino, being the worst drinker of the group, stood up to make the first speech. "Since Hinata isn't here yet to snicker, I say we get through the husband complaining as fast as possible so we don't have listen to her brag about how Naruto and her just cuddled after she passed out twice and had fifteen rounds, or how he set up the perfect evening for their anniversary. Shit, Sai gave me flowers for our anniversary. From my family's store. That he bought while I was manning the counter. After asking me what ones he should buy. And only after I reminded him that it was our anniversary and he was supposed to buy me something!"

Tenten staggered up next to speak irately. "Don't you complain, at least you have somebody! Neji didn't even see me as a girl, much less a girlfriend, and that's even before his engagement to one of the other branch clan members was revealed to him. And there's no one else left. Lee is only concerned with training, Kiba's married to his dog, Shino only dates in his clan, and everyone else is either too young or old or already married!"

Anko was next up. "Well, at least I'm trying to get some action, it's just my luck that the only boy I want is a saint. Damn that Naruto and his faithfulness, and the fact that he ruined me for any other man when he killed Orochimaru."

"Oh, lay off, you're way too old for him. Why you're allowed out of the house without a chaperone, I don't know." Sakura was fiddling with a letter in her hands and didn't look at the snake woman as she retorted.

"Kurenai said she didn't want to have to babysit two kids at once, so here I am. Besides, you're the one who did my last check up, you should I'm really nineteen, even if I was born twenty-five years ago. At least the Old Snake's stasis seal didn't brand me like his other experiment did. But what about you, Pinky? What's with the letter? Is it a confession of love? Are you considering cheating on your absent husband?"

Blushing from the alcohol Sakura took a moment to answer. "Kind of, not quite, and advice for my past self."

"Ooh, what sort of advice?" Hinata had just arrived, being carried bridal style by one of her husband's clones which gently set her in her chair and gave her a kiss before dispelling. "Anything good?"

"Oh, the usual. Study medicine, hate the Uchiha, seduce Naruto before anyone else; you know, what anyone would write."

Before the conversation could go any further, the real Naruto appeared and grabbed his wife in an enthusiastic hug. "I got them all! I know where every single one of dad's seals is now! I showed up just after I was born and was able to save mom and make Kurama agree to help the other me. Dad had more chakra, so he had time to make a list for me to learn! He had seals everywhere! He has one hidden underneath this booth, one in the Hyuuga compound, and he even slipped one into the Kazekage's hat."

Hinata gave him a kiss to stop his exited rambling before fixing him in her best stern glare. "Naruto, this is supposed to be a girls night out, and you're supposed to be giving Shikamaru your full attention right now."

Naruto gave a little pout before giving his wife another quick kiss laying an envelope on the table. "Then I'll at least cover the bill! The Uzumaki seal shop had a really good year, and there was plenty to give everyone bonuses. Hopefully by the time I get back Shika will have made his move."

After giving his wife a deeper kiss, Naruto left the restraint at an amble as Hinata gained a polite blush. "Sorry, he's trying to get me to reveal what I got him for our anniversary. He already gave away the fact that he was learning to cook so he could make a picnic under the full moon for us. He always gets extra enthusiastic whenever I tell him I love him."

Ino let her head sink down onto the table. "Dammit, Sakura is right. I'll make a letter and a gift basket to help change the boy's mind. But you, Hinata, I'm banning you from speaking until you're too drunk to properly say your own name!"

"Ooh, I'll gladly enforce that rule! Bottoms up, Princess!"

As Hinata struggled with Anko to avoid drowning in the rice wine, a red-headed woman casually slid into the girls booth. The Uzumaki looked at the wrestling women with a smile before turning to other girls at the table, who had all already drained their first bottles. "I hope you girls don't mind an old widow joining you. I just might be able to give a mother's advice on some of your issues."

Anko, already quite drunk in her own right, finally noticed the newcomer. "Kushina! I haven't seen you since you taught my class at the academy! Could you teach me how to seduce your son?"

"That's hardly my place to tell, but if his wife doesn't mind…"

-Naruto Departure Date-

"Wow, I realized that hazing an opportunity to butter up the one who made peace between the Great Elemental Nations and saved the world would incline some people to give out gifts. Even knowing that, I was not prepared for this." The Hokage stood in front of a pile of various scrolls, bags of clothes, weaponry, boxes of ramen, a few statues of his father, a couple of potted plants, multiple different two man luxury tents, and countless jewelry boxes filled primarily with rings. And that pile was already excluding the Make-out Paradise books people tried to give him, and the other perverted things. "I'm going to send you back to your apartment, and I'll send your gifts to a time slightly before when I sent you to… that is to say, when you arrive, your stuff will be there. Have fun with your life, and remember that love is the only thing that can beat hatred."

-Next Morning, Pre-dawn-

Naruto woke to the sound of unusually heavy rain pounding his window. He tried to roll over to give his wife a hug, but fell off the single bed since there was no other person there. Brushing it off, he crossed the unfamiliar room to open the window and enjoy the sight of tall buildings crowding his view. It took several minutes for all of this to sink in, and by that time Shikamaru had entered the room, and was staring at the Uzumaki in slight confusion.

"Shikamaru; Where am I, and where is my wife? Where is-"

"Lord Hokage, please don't say any names. You should know best of all that showing any favoritism would destroy any chance of the peace agreement passing. But about this wife… hmm, you don't look drugged, just sleepy; the most likely cause is an attempt at a genjutsu. I'd better explain everything to you so you don't do anything stupid.

"You are Naruto Uzumaki Namikaze, and you recognized me, so that makes this less troublesome. You're the youngest Kage in history after Tsunade Senju and your mentor Kakashi Hatake each were in office for around six months each. You are currently in the Hidden Rain village, under the protection of your uncle Nagato while you try to hammer out an agreement that should preserve peace in the elemental Nations. The main remaining issue is that each nation wants a diplomatic marriage between you and one of their kunoichi as part of the deal, and there are multiple women in Konoha who are backed by powerful factions who want the same."

Naruto thought for a moment before paling. He grabbed a pillow and left his room, shouting to his confused friend behind him. "I'm getting sent to the couch for this!"

 **Finished!** This turned out much longer than I planned it to be,and I still have more ideas for this sort of story. That said, I'd like to issue a story challenge.

The Immature Time traveler.

Naruto gets sent forward in time, or a Naruto that gets sent back in time doesn't keep his maturity. The potential for humor in this is at least present.

In other news, I have gained a muse that's inspiring me to write more. In related news, I'll be taking down Kunoichi's Host upon request from said muse.

Next I'll crank out a (hopefully) short SAO One-Shot before working on Will of Chakra. Until next time.


	3. OCs Intrude

**Issues for the Five Kage Council**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, and am not making money off of these stories.**

 **That said, the world these hypothetical train-wreaks of a story take place in is AU, varying from only slightly divergent to absurdly different and the same for the characters. IT'S MY STORY AND I'LL MAKE IT AS DIFFERENT FROM CANNON AS I WANT! These stories are unconnected humor one-shots. The only connection is that the Kage council is somehow involved, and mostly in competent in things other than battle. Levels of crack vary from almost repairable to shattered to sub-atomic particles, leaning toward the latter.**

 **Text key**

"speaking" _"thinking"_ **"Tailed beast speaking"** Jutsu in use -Scene info-

Chapter 3- Author Insert Original character

The attitudes and appearances of the original characters are entirely fictitious, and not made to resemble any specific person in appearance or attitude. Similarities to Steve are entirely coincidental.

-Land of Iron, First 5 Kage Meeting—

This was a landmark day; the day that every leader of the great nations came together around one table for the sake of everlasting peace.

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT, IT'S YOUR FAULT, YOU DOODIE-HEAD!"

"I'M NOT A DOODIE-HEAD, YOU'RE A DOODIE-HEAD!"

They weren't making any progress on the everlasting peace front, but no one was dead yet, so it was honestly going better than expected. Who would have thought that placing five of the most powerful leaders in the world in a small room to negotiate an alliance against a group full of super-powered multi-national deserters would make negotiations difficult. And the character of the kages didn't help either.

Danzo was the worst possible choice for a meeting like this. He was utterly unwilling to take the blame for anything, nor to give any concessions. The Raikage and the Tsuchikage weren't helping, as they were busy being stubborn and bitter. And the other two Kage were too young to have any sway.

Frustrated with the lack of progress, Tsunade slammed her hands down on the counter to get everyone's attention. The commotion instantly stopped as everyone present stared at the woman who should have been in a coma in an entirely different country.

Before anyone could comment on the continuity error, the door opened and a pompous jack-ass entered followed by an obviously desperate girl. But this was not just any jack-ass/ girlfriend combo, but it was a non-cannon pair. Or rather, THE non-cannon pair. Characters that sprung from the juvenile depths of the internet, and given form by amateur writers; OCs, the Author Insert and Mary-Sue.

"A six foot Adonis walked through the doors. I was dressed in a trench coat, open so he could show off the awesome red dragon design on his shirt as well as the skin-tight designer jeans clinging to his skin. His hair was in perfect edgelord style with red highlights that faded to teal and a long ponytail in back that could be used for mind control, a third arm, prehensile tail, computer jack, or fourth leg. His muscles bulged and made all of the girls lust at him. But he didn't care, because that is what is cool."

"and behind him was… Mary Sue!1!11!. She's the beautifulest and lovedest of everyone that ever lived. I'm Al's best girl and bisexual. But I'm Not a slut! I were fishing net scorch and I was named for the law suit I made against that bitch who stole my stile!"

The five kages, plus the no longer needed substitute, stared at the interlopers who apparently felt the need to narrate their own appearances and actions. They were stuck between wariness of whatever abilities they may have, and the logical thought that the two were not mentally sound. Onoki gave an irritable sigh and deigned to address the interlopers. "Whatever you're selling, we're not interested." Satisfied that he showed the kids what-for he turned back to the other kage. "Door to door salesmen these days…."

"I came here to kick ass and reference outdated pop culture… and I'm all out of asses! I am the almighty Author Insert! You will address me as AI for brevity."

Mei decided to try to defuse the situation with a bit of flirting. "Al, huh? It's rather personal of you to ask that we call you by your first name."

Rather than diffusing the situation, it made the boy angry. "Not Al, AI! F***ing sans serif fonts! Why can't you get with the proper formatting? You can't handle the serrifs!"

The Raikage gave a rumbling snort. "You children haven't given us any reason to take you seriously… especially with the way your girlfriend is sucking the Uchiha's face."

Al, as he will evermore be called, looked in shock to find that Mary-Sue was in fact attempting to sloppily make out with another man. However, the Uchiha was not Sasuke, who was awkwardly standing in the corner waiting for his turn to speak. Instead the Uchiha was a masked and freaking out Tobi.

"Tobe was ensconced by Mary-Sue's eyes and the sexiness of the fishnets on her arms and legs and hair and hands and body and fishnets. She stuck out her tongue and ruled unopposable over her newest lover's face. Her magnetic personality sucked off his mask and underneath was…"

"NOTHING BECAUSE THE MASKED UCHIHA BLEW THIS POPSICLE STAND AND DISAPPEARED AND Mary-SUE WAS SAD BECAUSE SHE WAS NOT BEST GIRL AND DECIDED TO GET DOWN ON HER KNEES AND APOLOGIZE FOR BEING A CHEATER BECAUSE CHEATERS NEVER PROSPER!"

"…..Sasuke!111!1."

Danzo decided to try to seize control of this situation back to the real reason for this meeting. "Your love life aside, what can you actually do, Al?"

"I have POWER! UNLIMITED, POWER! I am the Author's avatar! Not only can I control all four elements, I can do a mind link with my ponytail USB. Everything that I say comes true! I can make Konoha great again!"

Tsunade stood up to take control back to what the council was supposed to accomplish, gathering a force to fight Akatsuki. "Mr. Al, that certainly sounds impressive, but it's rather unclear. Could you give us a real example of your power in effect?"

"You doubt my power? Set your controller on the floor… woooo, spooky! And Now I will read your memor-wait! They made a Fifty Shades of Grey tie-in video game? And you bought it? What is wrong with you?"

Gaara spoke up to cover for the lethally blushing woman. "That's… impressive. But could you illustrate with something a little more physical?"

"Very Well, I will kill all of the redshirts in this room that no one likes. That will prove my power." The door burst open and a group of men in strange white armor were revealed and unleashed a barrage of colored blasts into the room, missing everyone important. Al fell to his knees with his chest full of holes as the kages stared in bewilderment. Al stumbled to his feet to give his last words. "Alas, Horatio, I am slain! Hoisted by my own red shirt dragon! Insert Wilhelm scream here! Dies."

Allowing herself to be pushed away from Sasuke by the Uchiha and his fangirl, Mary-Sue realized that her boyfriend was dead. She threw herself over his body and gave a dramatic wail. "Why do I have to be so perfect? It's a curse! Of only I were dead so that I could join you!" She pulled out a knife from… somewhere… and held it high in her hands, poised to stab herself. But instead of finishing the job, she looked around to see if people were paying attention. "I'm going to do it! I'm going to kill myself because I love him so much!"

There was an awkward silence as a few people wanted to tell her to stop out of principle, but no one actually really wanted her to stay alive. It was Sasuke that finally spoke. "That sounds reasonable. I mean, I wish the girls that claim to love me would do that exact same thing."

And so, the amateur Romeo and Juliet drama came to a close and Sasuke politely left the room to allow the irate kages time to prepare their dramatic entrances. After that cannon progressed as normal, since people who write those types of characters don't have the imagination for an original storyline. The End.

 **Try to get all of the references!** Mary Sue is a riff on the most infamous fanfiction "My immortal", check it out in a drinking game sometime, if you hate your liver.

After this, I think I'll either do another chapter of Loz-Nar issues or start something new. If I do start something it would either be an issues crossing Tales of the Abyss with Familiar of Zero, or a sequel to New Game Plus.

Leave thoughts and opinions in the reviews and thank you for reading this craziness.


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